imperfect information

i guess to be honest, MANY things happened today and i haven’t exactly been able to absorb everything the way it should yet. sadly what happened today got me thinking(alot), which i really did’t want to.

just somehow i feel as if i don’t even know myself. always thought if there were to be someone who’s clear about what he wants, that’d be me. it’s not exactly to the extent of driven but rather just clear. but now it’s as if my mind and heart are working totally different. when i thought i’d shld think like that considering that i am myself, it turns out i feel somewhat different. which is, rather strange. it’s really sort of like a smokescreen going on in my brain, i just can’t seem to control it. saddening huh.

but i guess it just takes time, so i’m taking it easy. because all i want now is to make people happy(: and make myself happy too as well of course. which should be life’s set prize i guess. at least if i can’t control my mind, can still control what i do, and just aim to exude the happyfying externality so everyone else can be happy too.

 

i think..

i think..

i shouldn’t think anymore.

because it only makes things harder, more difficult.

now i wanna be a little kid all over again. and having a brain that does not think.

say(all i need)

 

A Streak of _________.

it has been a long time since i last blogged, just seems that i don’t really have much to blog about, while i’m not exactly one who blogs about daily happenings a lot. but i guess i’ll do a quick run through of what’s been happening now that i suddenly feel like blogging.

i must say everything about life after SATs, have more or less been about 2 terrible letters. C and T. Days and nights spent mugging away, with probably AFEW interesting stuffs in between like hrm, the records challenge thingy, numerous funfilled nights with that ring leader who’s crappy and entertaining as ever. honestly, that’s all from the last post till now, plus plus some small meaningful stuffs, that’s all. yeah great, that’s how i want to spend my remaining days of 2007! blabber.

it just sort of drains all meaning and motivation from doing what i’m doing now. everyone’s going home earlier, eyes moving much faster(at useless words), brains being occupied with undesirable facts deemed important only by pressure and lousy exam boards. why is this? there’s jsut nothing much to look forward to nowadays. and it’s increasingly such that a huge source of what i look forward to in school’s gradually dying off. just don’t see any meaning in what i do! imagine if gene selection was possible like in the movie, where hard work wouldn’t even have a chance to be compared to giftedness, wouldn’t all that we’re doing nw become obselete, useless?

sometimes i really wish for the gift of expression. and that needn’t just be a gift to me. if only everyone had the perfect ability to express themselves, there’d be no misunderstandings at all! no need for reservations, no need to hold back to express what you truely feel, in other words, i’d know what you think and you’d know what i think as well. yes i know, idealistic, but if only that could happen huh. just intrigued by what’s going on but just can’t fit an explanation to that. okay enough i guess! no point dwelling on!

and again, i’m stuck between the issue of expecting too much and not the false thinking of expecting too much. what actually is reality! damn ok don’t want to sound too KI here. but i hope it’ll be a matter of time before i find that answer!

so long.

 

 

The “Great” Expectation

i think expectations are meaningless. other than making you feel overly anxious over an event/result/thing, it doesn’t really serve any other purpose.  and as a result, you’ll only feel that that something hasn’t been up to your expectation and that thing eventually becomes something negative. that “thing” may actually be flawless on any other day but because of those expectations, we tend to overlook all the good in that, just because it doesn’t meet up to what we expect it to be. (thus, i conclude lit students who read The Great Expectations are generally sad people devoid of satisfaction from that book. ok blabber)

yesterday was teengames capt ball comp. we had great expectations for this. okay, great expectations in the sense that it’d be a more prestigious event, better organised, alot more teams and basically just better than what it was. true, we expected more from the result as well, having trained as much as thrice a week for almost 2 months (and having to endure ridiculed by people who think we’re crazy people actually training for capt’s ball), but it wasn’t the biggest upset that we didn’t win it. maybe it’s just me(and 1/2 more?) that this whole competition actually seemed to have no meaning anymore. initially that drive was still present, to do it for odac and subsequently arkar too. it lasted all the way till training ended. then came first day. big disappointed in my opinion. only 4 teams, no scoreboard, funny referees, and a dying atmosphere. and even when we won, there wasn’t the sense of satisfaction so to speak last last year’s. even when plate finals ended, which we won more convincingly than last year’s, that exhilaration wasn’t present. ah, bt i guess as much as possible if we expect less, we’ll derive a lot more from life.(that is not considering how expectations can be good too) 

ok maybe it’s just me and the great expectations! but still, can’t deny how much i/we’ve gained from this whole event. stronger team spirit, bonds, a good workout, yada yada. great work azabu sabo masazu crepe! : D i’m quite sure we all know we did our best, so no matter what the result, it doesn’t matter! at least we were the loudest group there by far : D

so today was a slack day apart from the grueling 3hr45min paper in the morning. it was totally draining, but at least there was a good start. superpig came back to me! ha. and the invigilator was rather hilarious. jarren says he sounded fierce, but i thought he just sounded grumpy. and the most hilarious thingw as that he was reading directly from the instructions. we were supposed to have a 1min stretch break. and at the end of that 1min he instructed us to sit down when none of us even stood up in the first place. HA. other than that, today was good. should be quite hard to shift focus from studying for SATs to CTs. and a lot to catch up too, haven’t started ANYTHING at all yet! lol, talk about dedication. sigh.

ah i should really learn to expect less. and possibly not think as much too. stressful! ha. ok and since everything seems to be going relatively well now, i shall not expect any more. and let things work on it’s own(: but for now, chiong for CTs!

oh and my dad just came back having got 5th(which is quite good) for his golf comp, and he’s freaking happy! hahaha. which is good to see, considering he comes home late everyday(though sometimes along with lots of food)with the ultimate perplexed face. (: and he won some foldable bike and an ipod nano4gb. ha!

ok good day (:

 

What’s your interpretation of happyness?

arrived early at velocity today so i decided to while my time away at mph. and.. proceeding to the self-help(which isn’t that self-help after all) section, i came across a whole lot of happiness books! it was crazy. just me and the happy books. me facing the happy books and them staring at me. and there was this book, called Happiness. it was sticking out just like a Happinessbook and just waiting for me to grab it and read it. and so i obeyed and did so.

it looked something like this.

 

and if you would look closely, the picture, looked something like this.

Yes, honestly, THAT is exactly what i picture a happy as. except maybe mine’s in black and white coz my imagination’s not that vivid but, it seriously IS what i thought a happy is! (and now YOU don’t laugh at me you bully ): ) okay so i picked up the book and flipped through the pages. came across this section, probably a joke but it seemed as if the author was serious about this.

it said : People who have surnames starting with the first few letters of the alphabet were found to be generally happier than people with surnames starting with the last few letters of the alphabet. and you’re supposed to ask why. why? because the former would get called first most of the time, leaving the latter grumpy, and thus less happy. the solution? rename your surname to something that starts with A. Aaron Ang would probably be a VERY happy person.

oh and there was this part about whether or not to feel bad feeling happy. yes, you might think, you have to actually feel bad feeling happy? what bull is that. but imagine, people out there are suffering from earthquakes and famine, while we’re here actually feeling happy. hrm, something to ponder about huh. but i guess it doesn’t help at all being gloomy and having a negative attitude towards it huh. imagine you’re being stuck under rubble for 3 days, a rescue worker comes to you with a sad face. ah shit, that would have sucked right. and the book also mentioned(i think) that when you’re feeling sad you tend to not think properly, act foolishly. so yes, no matter what, we all have the right to feel happy! maybe practise own discretion at times but generally, no one can stop you for feeling happy.

i guess i was ultimate happy (weirdly) after flipping through the many happy books. but most books mentioned that different people gain happiness from different things.

and now that you’ve seen the book above, it costs $23 at mph. my birthday isn’t coming that soon, but if you happen to feel rich and have disposable income to spare, you can get me one! : D

so yes, what’s your interpretation of happyness?

 

Hanging by a moment

Today has been a day of thought.

with a 3h45min long paper and some vectors done, i am officially, GGed for the day. thus, i began to retreat to thinking. somehow or rather, i actually miss school! great. now let’s see what i miss about school.

i miss school for.. okay i can’t think of anything tangible to write, and most probably i’ll end up saying brainless stuff like, the people, the room, doing something, lessons(!!!), MATHS LECTURES, the people, lazing around in the room, the people. oh i just realised i mentioned “the people” thrice! why is that? oh i think it meant something!

haha okay shoot, that’s just me at 0.1% of his maximum brain function at 4%. anyway yeah i guess, i really miss seeing people? ah fine, yes, not as if i’m gonna be going to not see anyone for the next 10 years or so. at least tmr, i should be able to see people, and in 1 month’s time more people. okay, this whole chunk is weird! i miss too many things. haha.

oh and i’ve been wondering how the brain actually works. yes i know, everyone has their own brain, and each brain thinks differently, independently (just like binomial and poisson!). but after all, as human beings, don’t we actually have like at least, similar traits? okay the thing is, i just don’t get how people’s brains can differ so much. how some people can be so smart, while others not so. how some people can worry so much, while others just don’t really care. how some people think differently in general. actually i’m more of wanting to know why it happens and not how. knowing how will just probably kill me now.

yes! talking about worry. i guess maybe worrying actually do help people cherish things more. the feeling of fear’s really powerful, actually. now that you’re currently regarding your life as the time of your life, and worrying how long it’ll last makes that “time of your life” even better i guess.

ah, okay i’m having the time of my life, and i’m worrying whether this will last. help me cherish!

okay this is a weird post. sorry not exactly sane now. bye!

 

I wish for

if i were to be granted special powers, i would want a super mind which can enable me to understand everything, inteprete actions and what’s happening and just practically be able to understand what everyone’s thinking.

actually wouldn’t it be nice if everyone had this special power. i’m sure there’d be implications, heavy implications actually but i’m too ignorant to think about that. currently more swayed towards thinhking that if everyone could read everyone’s minds, there’d be no more misintepretations, no more misunderstandings, no more frustrations arised from not being to know whether or not you should do something. implicit actions would mean so much more. cheap talk/cheap actions would mean nothing and the world made a much better place. how nice huh.

but i guess it’s not meant to be. as long as we’re living on planet Earth, we shall always be inadequate. and all these wishful desires are, haha, a joke. so meanwhile, i should adapt to living in a smokescreen.

 

Significance

i was thinking today, what actually is significance?

is it only when something happens then you start realising that person matters to you and you care a lot more for that person, being suddenly significant in your life, but when all turns well again, loses his “significance” and you carry on with your life, that’s what significance is all about? when something’s about to end, or probaby has ended before you even realise, then you start regretting not spending more time, commiting more to it, and it has become “significant”, that’s what significance is about? or maybe when you see someone down, but just brush it off, thinking it’s just one of the bad days and you just can’t be bothered. when something eventually happens, “significance” steps in and you start regretting. that’s significance? i guess the whole idea of sigficance is warped. shortcoming of the human race huh. live our own life, wait till something happens to someone, then we find that person sigficant.

or probably life’s just full of regrets.

and also how much exactly is it morally right to pursue things? where exactly is the fine line between being determined and not giving up, and going overboard and being morally wrong? it’s another one of those disgusting questions where there can be no answer huh. if so, i’m rather screwed. i’ve always thought if everything seems to be going well, everyone’s happy with what’s going on, (significance issue steps in), then who am i to actually pursue my intentions at the expense of the others. but then again(freak, not trying to sound like Mrlee), is that actually being weak. at the end of the day, regrets set in, and then i’ll most probably start wondering if i could have gone further to pursue my happiness instead, would even more welfare be achieived. but i guess without super brains, we’ll never know what everyone’s actually feeling/thinking. and most likely perceptions may be wrong. gestures may mean nothing/something.

yeah just being retarded.

arkar, recover fast aye (:

 

inadequate

today i see how inadequate we all are.

starting to see stuff not very pleasant and getting too sensitive over it but i hope it’s just today. as honestly, today’s really bad. even psychoing myself and forcing myself to be happy/high seemed effective. no, i don’t want to lose that feeling, no. hopefully it’s just today.

and arkar, please please please get well soon. please! real soon!

 

We ARE, and will be One.

it’s been awhile since House invest, but to say that i’ve totally gotten over it would be a big lie.

sadly there’s still this lingering emptiness in me. not as strong as the past few days but it’s just still there. the day after invest, while preparing to wash my uniform, did my routine “take out badges” sequence, and panicked coz i thought i lost my name tag. then it dawned on me that, i don’t have my name tag anymore. okay not trying to sound emo here, but just that it really matters to me now. and i do hate myself for only cherishing it when i no longer have it anymore. such irony to the previous post.

but anw i think towards the end everyone started to realise much it mattered to us. could see from the various outings everyone was frantically trying to salvage whatever memories they could keep. heartwarming to see i guess. and the last stayover was imba. spamming photos on the vj rooftop! : D ultimate nice and thrilling. looking for stuff to climb and climbing it only for the thrill. haha. was good. : D

right, so invest day was rather solemn. wasn’t exactly feeling the right way coz of the stupid speech i was suppose to give. ha, no comments. hrm it didn’t start of very well actually. felt like shit when the walk-in music failed to play. i just thought it was damn unfair for us then this kind of things decide to screw up when it’s our last event. but it still worked in the end. carried on with invest but after that when it all ended, it was bad.

this whole post’s kind of pointless actually, for what’s there to be sad about when it’s all over. but i guess all i can take away with me is memories.i’ve never once regretted being in House. yes, times when i felt damn shitty and just wondering what i’m doing, but nope, never doubted that House is what i truly wanted. and so i’m right.  honestly, being in House have taught me ALOT. stage presence, socialising, stress management and so many many more tangible and intangible stuff. not to mention meeting such lovely people in House, how we’ve supported one another. and to my lovely comm members, doubt you’ll ever see this but i really do appreciate you guys ALOT! you’ve certainly made my job as captain seem so easy. thank! you!

i guess i can never express myself the way i want to ever. and the above is merely just a very good(because use very litle words only) summary of what i think of House. obviously in real context it is so much more, and it means so much more as well. thank you all, for you all are what makes House.

(: